


Not Mine to Love

by LeashedDemons



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2020-12-23 17:56:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21085451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeashedDemons/pseuds/LeashedDemons
Summary: Nicholas Scratch isn't hers to love - but she loves him, with every fiber of her being and if only he knew how much she loved him. How much his smile brightened her day, his touch ignited her heartbeat, but telling him would be too painful. She didn't want to lose her friend, but what if Nick decides to take that step himself? What if he actually knew how much she loved him? And he loved her just as much?





	1. Future Starts Slow

She was in love with Nicholas Scratch...it was all in the stolen glances when he wasn't looking, the way her heart thudded in the cage of her chest at the sight of him, the way her very soul seemed to recognize his and go _oh, there you are, I've been looking for you_. And yet, Nicholas didn't know, or if he did, he gave no indications and Nick always gave indications. The boy was a **hell** of a flirt, always chasing the girls in short skirts, especially the Weird Sisters.

Was she jealous? Sometimes. She liked to believe that she wasn't an envious person, that she didn't get “green”, but if she was honest, sometimes she did. When she saw Nick wrap his arm around Prudence or some other pretty girl, she'd feel flush with envy and desire. The desire to _be_ that girl. To be the one held in his embrace, touching his face and kissing his lips...but she was too afraid. Too afraid to tell anyone her true feelings, even herself. No, she just lied.

Lied and said that she didn't love him, even as she felt her face flush when his hand touched her skin, or when he asked to study with her. She'd spend more hours agonizing over how clean her room was and how she looked, washing her face and putting her hair up in various hairdos than _actually_ studying with him. It was painful and yet somehow, rejection seemed more painful. They were friends, and she was afraid of the idea of not having Nick in her life.

He'd managed to sew himself into nearly every aspect of her life that the idea of him not being in it was scarier than him being in _every_ aspect of it. Sometimes, she day-dreamed of being with Nick when she was bored in her classes. Her fantasies usually consisted of dumb dates at the movie theater, him teaching her conjuring spells, cuddling while studying...and then she was reminded of the painful reality that Nick wasn't hers and she crashed back to Earth from Cloud Nine. Speaking of crashing...

“Listen, 'm really tired and 'm gonna head home.” She tells Lou as she watches Nick flirt with Prudence out of the corner of her eye. Lou, looking rather skeptical or maybe that was just her face, rolls her eyes and delivers a soft pat to her shoulder. Lou was a young witch, slightly younger than she was with mulatto skin and dark brown eyes. Her red textured hair was pulled up into afro puffs on either side of her head with any loose hair framing her dark face. She wore two devilish earrings in her ear, a simple black dress with white hemming and a pair of black Doc Martens.

“If tired is code for depression and sexual repression, then okay.” Mused Lou and she couldn't help the eye roll that followed the statement. The only one who really “knew” her secret was Lou and she was constantly insisting that she admit her feelings to Nick, even as he seemed to play around with every other girl at the Academy. She was a little too optimistic for Lily's liking.

“It's not. 'm really tired. Didn't sleep well last night.” Lou immediately grinned and Lily groaned, turning to walk away but Lou caught up with only a few steps, nudging her with her shoulder playfully.

“Have a dream about a certain someone, eh?” Lou teased, licking her lips suggestively. Lily rolled her eyes again and avoided her gaze, glancing behind her to see Nick now standing close to Prudence, his fingers laced underneath her chin, his lips moving as he says something _probably_ inappropriate...

“Not that it's any of your business, but _no_. I didn't.” She blinks, turning back to their path as they round a corner, successfully escaping the source of her existential dread. She sighs and leans against the wall, rubbing her temples as Lou looks her over with a look of pity befitting of a starving dog or a homeless man.

“Girl, you really need to like, I don't know, get some.” Lou shook her head at the frazzled state of her friend. Lou didn't really know what this sort of thing was like – she was similar to Nick in this manner; tending to love 'em and leave 'em, but not because she didn't want to be in love. She just “hadn't found the one”. She always told Lily she was waiting for Lupercalia, where she knew she'd find the one. Lily always just laughed uncomfortably and changed the subject.

“No thanks.” Her flushed face indicated how uncomfortable she was with the idea and Lou laughed.

“Oh, _yeah_. That's right. You're a **virgin**.” Lou teased, speaking the last part louder than the rest, causing her friend to start sputtering, dragging her into a corner of the Academy, an even darker shade than she already was.

“Shh! Don't say stuff like that so loud!” She sputters, throwing her hands around, looking rather akin to a maniac or a mime. It was too amusing.

“'Y know...I bet Nick likes virgins~~~!” Lou sings, only making her friend sputter even more, now sounding less like a human being and more like a dying car engine. It only seemed fitting that the devil himself (okay, not **the** devil himself) Nicholas Scratch should appear behind her looking confused but vaguely entertained.

“Hey, what's going on?” He asks smoothly. And just like that, the dying car engine starts working again. Lily is upright, face still flushed, but not sputtering anymore and acting like she hasn't just heard something so obscene. She feigns a smile, but it's so _obviously_ a nervous one that Lou has to snicker, which earns her a small smack on the arm.

“Uh, nothin'. What about you?” Lily asks, shooting daggers at Lou, who was watching the interaction with amused interest.

“I was about to head home. Want me to walk you?” He asked, raising his dark eyebrows. Lily begins to say _no, no thank you_ but is immediately interrupted by Lou, who practically shouts _of course_, shoving her into the boy's arms and ushers them out of the Academy with a wink at Lily.

_I hate you_. Lily mouths at Lou before she leaves, following Nick down the steps of the Academy. The walk home was quiet, filled with barely any idle talk, and she spent most of the time with her hands in her pockets to prevent any contact _and_ walked almost a foot away from him. When questioned, she fake-coughed and said she had a cold. Pretending not to love your friend could be so hard sometimes.

As they neared her home, she began to get more and more sad. She honestly loved every second she could spend with Nick and it seemed like lately, there was less time with him. Whether it was classes or him being occupied with the Weird Sisters, it seemed like his free time was becoming consumed and a part of her, perhaps the envious part, was afraid she was slowly being cut-out. It didn't help that Lupercalia was coming up, too. (As Lou constantly reminded her!)

“So...are you going to participate in Lupercalia this year?” It was such an odd question, really. In the years that he had known her, she'd never participated and for good reason. A sex-filled competition like Lupercalia was pretty intimidating to a virgin--almost as intimidating as signing her name in the Book of the Beast. _Almost_.

“I don't know.” She said that every year but it was always no. After all, the same people took part in Lupercalia and she didn't like any of them and if she didn't like any of them, then why participate? On top of that, a part of her was afraid she'd be “caught” by the wrong wolf and well, she shuddered at the very thought. She didn't want her first time to be with someone she didn't like _or know_.

“Yeah...” He mused quietly, his hands also in his pockets by this point. “Me too.”

It was surprising, coming from him. _The_ Nicholas Scratch? Not participating in Lupercalia? What was he talking about? Was he sick? Had Prudence done something to him? A love spell maybe? She wasn't sure but whatever it was, this couldn't be her friend talking to her right now. He would never turn down Lupercalia. _Ever_. She bit her lip as they approached her steps, unable to think of something to say.

Nick paused at the foot of the stairs, as he always did and gave her one of those soft, charming smiles, _also like he always did_. She went up two stairs and paused to look back at him. She silently took a mental picture of him standing there underneath the moonlight and her porch light, his hair pushed back and that charming smile seemingly permanent on his soft lips. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a button-up shirt underneath his dark jacket and _god_, he looked like he'd stepped out of a Church of Night magazine issue of _Dark Bad Boys 'R Us_. Her lips drew up a little at the edges and Nick raised his brows.

“What?” He asked, pulling his hands out of the pocket of his jacket, looking worried.

“Nothing.” She replied, taking a couple more steps as she approached the door. “You've got something on your face.”


	2. Take Me Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seems kinda rushed. Please let me know what 'cha think!

“I don't want to goooooo.” Groaned Lily from the bed, watching Lou out of the corner of her eye as she turned left and right, observing her outfit in the mirror. Said outfit was a body-con red leather dress with a rather dipping V-neckline and very short skirt, her creamy thighs peeking out from underneath the material. She polished the outfit with a set of matching red leather boots and twin Baphomet-print scrunchies holding each of her afro puffs back from her face.

“You're going. You need to get out more _and_ Nick is going to be there.” The comment only made her toss onto her side on the bed, groaning even louder. Lou rolled her eyes as she turned from the mirror, crossing the room to sit beside her friend, noting that she wasn't dressed yet. She delivered a small nudge to her before standing again, going over to her closet and beginning to search for an outfit for her friend. “C'mon, we gotta get you dressed in something..._sexy_.”

“Now I want to go even less.” Replied Lily as she sat up, watching as Lou pulled out a green body-con snakeskin dress. Immediately, she covered her face as a blush crossed it. “No. I might as well just wear a towel.”

“A towel?!” Lou feigns hurt as she crosses the room with the dress, tossing it onto the bed beside Lily. “I mean, at least then you'd get laid. C'mon, you'll look great.”

Lily looked at the dress like it was her worst enemy – and in that moment, she felt like it was. She hardly ever wore anything besides sweaters, black skinny jeans, and tall black boots. If she saw something revealing, she strayed as far from it as possible. It wasn't that she didn't like it or think those clothes were cute; she just worried she didn't have the body for those kinds of clothes and yet here she was, about to wear a tight (_very tight_!) snakeskin dress that probably definitely wasn't vegan. She'd have to ask Lou later.

“What kind of party is this, Lou?” She asked her best friend nearly an hour later as they were approaching, well, _someone's_ house. She honestly wasn't sure who's, though she's sure she'd already asked (and forgotten the answer). She stumbles over a rock in her tall heels, nearly falling in the process and after regaining herself, tugs down the hem of her dress. She can feel herself sweating like Satan in church and she thinks she might just _die_ if/when Nick sees her in this dress. The very thought is enough to make her heartbeat harder against the confines of her ribcage.

“It's like a pre-Lupercalia party. Don't worry – there's just the usual party stuff. Booze and dudes.” She tried her best to ignore Lou as she knocked on the door and they stood on the doorstep, waiting for the door to open. It opened in a matter of moments and the music coming from inside became louder as some no-name wizard let them inside. She immediately took in their surroundings – it was a medium-sized house with at least two levels and it was packed nearly plum full, which only made her more nervous. She couldn't see anyone familiar, though she's sure she knows these people from the Academy.

Lou, able to feel how anxious she is, gently takes her hand and guides her through the crowd towards what she can only assume is the punch table. Lou grabs two cups and pours punch into both of them, filling them to the brim and handing her one. She immediately downed nearly half of the drink, choking on the liquid when she spotted Nick across the room.

He was dressed in a simple pair of black slacks, a button-up shirt, and his dark jacket, but he somehow still looked so..._good_? His hair wasn't gelled back like it usually was, instead unkempt on his head. He held a red solo cup and was laughing with a small group of wizards, among them Prudence, who was wearing her usual dark dress and stroking Nick's arm a little too fondly for her taste. Nick locked eyes with Lily from across the room, causing her to look away, though she could already feel him making his way across the room.

“Good luck.” Murmured Lou in her ear as she walked away, patting her shoulder in the process. She tried to slip away with her, but failed, feeling Nick behind her before she heard him.

“You look great.” He spoke and she turned slowly, a nervous smile on her lips. She looked down at the dress, shyly pulling it down her pale thighs and glancing around, hands drumming against the cup in her hands.

“Um...thanks...you too.” She replied, gesturing to his outfit, which he looked down at and scoffed.

“Oh, this old thing?” He grinned from ear-to-ear and she couldn't help the (genuine!) smile that came to her lips. The smile faded a little as he continued, taking a slow drink from his cup. “Didn't expect to see you here.”

“Yeah...me either. Lou asked me to come.” Asked was an understatement. _Made me go_ was more accurate. She shifted her weight from foot-to-foot, feeling her arches begin to ache.

“Well, I'm glad she did.” He said, his smile widening once more. The moment seemed to last forever, at least until it was interrupted.

“I need another drink, _Nicky_.” The name is sickeningly sweet on the tongue of Prudence Night as she shattered the peace of the moment and while Lily _really_ wasn't the type to be jealous, she definitely was jealous as Nick gave her a little smile before leaving to get Prudence another drink, leaving her alone with Prudence.

“Um...hi, Prudence.” She said awkwardly, shifting a bit more uncomfortably and looking away, feeling uncomfortable in both her skin and the snakeskin. She contemplates leaving but she sees Nick making his way across the room with Prudence's drink.

“You're nothing compared to me.” The words are sudden and they cut across the happy scene of the party. They even cut across the awkward silence between the two as Lily raises her eyebrows, lifting her head to look Prudence in the face and well, she doesn't know how a person can manage to look confident and so malefic at the same time. “He'll never choose you.”

It _stings_. She knows Prudence can't possibly speak for Nick, who is nearly to the both of them and yet, somehow, it stings. It stings like nothing she's known before. Even the time she fell off the balcony as a kid and broke her leg doesn't compare to this. She's sure even being stabbed doesn't compare to this. Before she can reply, Nick returns and Prudence grabs her drink from him with a smile, taking a sip innocently before doing something even more shocking.

She softly grabs him by the back of his neck and brings him into a kiss. Nick doesn't struggle, abides by her demand, kissing her deeply, and the moment is equal parts awkward and hurtful. Rather than continue to suffer, she turns from the scene and begins to walk away, suddenly remembering all the time she has spent with Nick. It hits her that she isn't drunk enough to handle this and she feels tears brim on the edges of her eyes as she downs the rest of her drink, beginning to wade through the crowd towards the door. She knew Lou had only brought her here to have fun but she was having the opposite.

_He'll never choose you_. Prudence's words echoed in her head and she bit her lip, trying to keep from full-on sobbing as she tried to reach the door quickly as she felt herself begin to overthink already. It was true that he probably never would choose her; she'd just never said such a thing out loud and maybe that was why it hurt so much. Saying it aloud made it real, or maybe it just hurt because it was coming from someone like Prudence, who was better than she was in probably every way and was more deserving of Nick's time and attention.

_I know that he loves me_  
_ As I watch him leave_  
_ I'd do anything at all_  
_ To hear his voice call me_  
_ But now there's a shadow_  
_ Where once stood a beam_  
_ He's searching for color_  
_ In a sepia scene_  
  
_ And the cold wind blows_  
_ Like my grip on a string_  
_ That I held so close now_  
_ He's not listening_  
_ He's not listening_

She's almost to the door when she feels a hand grab her arm, forcing her to turn mid-way, tears in her eyes and it takes her a moment to focus, struggling to see the person through the masses of tears already beginning to stream down her face. She sees Nick, a visibly upset expression on his face, and yet somehow, it only made her chest ache more, and she pulled against his grip, broken words falling from her lips.

“Let. Me. Go.” Each word is punctuated by a cry, a small sob, and Nick releases her, likely because of the shock of seeing her that way. Lily never cried – at least in the time that Nick had known her. No matter what happened, no matter the pressure she was under, she never cried and yet there she was, crying and it was his fault. It only made him feel worse. She grabbed the doorknob and threw it open, but she felt Nick hot on her heels, ignoring him calling after her.

“Lily! Wait! Stop!” He's striding after her as she stumbles down the steps, tripping on the _same_ damn rock she'd tripped on the first time around. She isn't sure if it's the effects of the alcohol or her crying, but the world begins to spin and she pauses, removing her heels and continuing her journey barefoot. “Damn it, Lily, you're drunk!”

“No, I'm not!” The words slurred unceremoniously, but she doesn't care. She just wants to get away from _him_. God, him. She hadn't realized how beautiful he was before, or maybe she had but he was even more beautiful now? Wait, why was he following her anyway? She stopped and turned to face him, and wow, she has to sit down on the lawn to keep from falling. Nick sits beside her, now looking more concerned than upset. “I wanna go home...”

It was a drunken, nearly unintelligible murmur but Nick seemed to understand it as he draped an arm around her and nodded. The world continued to spin and feeling nauseous, she closed her eyes and leaned her head against Nick's shoulder, groaning a little.

“Take me home, Nick. _Please_.”

_But I can go out there_  
_ I can be someone else_  
_ We all have the power to_  
_ Do this shit to ourselves_  
_ But in the quiet times_  
_ When nobody can see_  
_ I'm letting my thoughts get_  
_ Bigger than me_  
  
_ And the cold wind blows_  
_ And the spring never came_  
_ And I feel so sick to hear his name_


	3. Skinny Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick asks a favor of Lily.

Her head was slamming against her skull, not dissimilar to a hammer, but she hardly cared. All she could think about, aside from if she had any Tylenol, was if it was possible to drop out of the Academy and move away to another country without her grandmother hunting her down and murdering her. A soft purr and shifting of the sheets behind her alerted her to the presence of another, smaller creature, which quickly revealed itself by shoving its head underneath her arm.

The head of Leo, a furry black smoke purebred Persian cat emerged from beneath her pale elbow as he crawled into the space beside her belly that seemed to be screaming his name, meowing as he did so. Cue an eye roll from Lily as she begins petting the animal, rolling to stare up at the purple of her ceiling, the sunlight filling in from her window. She glanced at the clock beside her bed.

_12:04 PM._

Too late to get to the Academy for school, she supposed. Continuing to stroke Leo's soft fur, she sat up and scooted back against her pillows, leaning her head against her knees as she looked out her window at the mass forest surrounding her family's estate. They were calling her name, well, not _really_, but she felt terrible and perhaps a little time with the woods and nature might make her feel better. Groaning as she tossed the blankets off, she threw her legs over the side of the bed and wandered downstairs, noticing that her grandmother was in the kitchen making breakfast. She snuck past her and out the back door, Leo abandoning her for the warmth radiating off the oven.

She couldn't help herself as she thought of what Prudence had said and how she'd _stupidly_ gotten so upset about what she'd said. Prudence was only saying the truth. Granted, did she have to say it in such a hurtful way? And even if it was the truth, of all the people, of all the girls in the Academy, did Nick have to be with Prudence? Or any of the Weird Sisters? Maybe there was something more to Prudence than Lily knew, but on the surface, she didn't seem that nice.

As she approached the wood's edge, she began to touch the wood of the trees, feeling the life thrumming inside of the branches and trunks. She closed her eyes, letting herself just listen to the birds chirping, the wind softly blowing, the small streams flowing, and her heartbeat slow against her chest. A few more breathes and she entered deeper into the wood, letting her feet drag along the leaves, the dirt and the path that lead down to the mainstream. She paused, seeing some squirrels dart playfully up a tree trunk, smiling as she watched them chase each other up and around, finally stopping on a higher branch. She continued down the path, pausing now and then to pick a few herbs she knew her grandmother would like and finally arriving at her destination.

The mainstream that fed the smaller ones was maybe half an hour into the woods and it was the source of a lot of their water. She wandered to the water's edge and sat down, brushing white strands back from her face as she let her feet drop into the water. She idly rocked her legs, softly biting her lip as she looked down at her reflection critically.

Her white hair was long and thrown back behind her head and over her shoulders and her blue eyes were a little tired, dark circles present underneath them, not that she particularly cared. Her skin, so pale, was catching the sunlight so much that she could barely see it in her reflection. She hadn't realized that she was this pale until this moment. The white straps of her nightgown fell off right her shoulder, barely clinging to the skin of her arm and left shoulder and she sighed, feeling too lazy to pull it up.

_Snap_.

Her head immediately snapped around as she stood from the water's edge, preparing to defend herself. She searched the treeline but saw no one, eyes narrowing. She walked away from the stream's edge, grabbing her grandmother's herbs and beginning to walk back.

_Snap_.

She turned in the direction of the twigs snapping just in time to place a well-landed punch on her attacker's face and she felt _very_ awesome about it and was about to land another, mentally browsing her magical grimoire as she was moving when she recognized who it was. _And she felt less awesome_. The face of Nicholas Scratch was gushing blood like Niagara Falls as he groaned, clutching at his nose, hitting the tree behind him.

“Oh my god! _Nick_!” She gasped, placing her hands over her mouth as she immediately regretted her grandmother teaching her boxing. (_A witch has to be able to use more than magic_, she would say). She rushed to his side, grabbing at his hand and pulling it away from his gushing nose. She touched her hand to the appendage and focused, whispering an incantation. A small light glimmered underneath her skin and traveled down her arm, fingertips and into his nose, healing the damage caused. His brown eyes slowly opened, a look of shock visible in them before he stood to his full height and gave a small shake as if he was trying to shake off what just happened.

“I didn't mean to scare you.” And there's his signature smile as he looks her up and down. “Your grandmother told me you were out here.”

_Of course, she did_. She thought, eye-rolling as she continued her stride up the path, expecting him to follow.

“You didn't.” _Yeah he did_. “I just...didn't expect you, that's all.” She pulled her strap back up on her shoulder, suddenly feeling overexposed.

“I just wanted to check on you after what happened last night.” He replied and she cringed involuntarily.

_ Right, last night. 'Y know where you got drunk and acted like a fool._

“I'm fine.” It was short but definitely not sweet. Brutal. She was hurt and it was painfully obvious. Now that he was here, she just wanted him to _leave_. She'd never felt this way about Nick before. She always wanted him around. She never wanted him to leave, until now and it was painful. She guessed this was what Lou meant when she talked about heartbreak.

“Yeah, clearly...” He coughed as he caught up with her. “Listen, Lupercalia is coming up and...” He stopped. “I have a favor to ask.”

_A favor? Lupercalia? _He was breaking her heart already. What more could he want?

She stopped, regardless, and turned, facing her best friend with the best stony face she could muster.

“What is it?”

“Will you be my partner?”

Were worlds ending? Was the sky crashing down? Was Nick being impersonated? Was she dreaming? This couldn't be real.

“What?”

“Listen, after last night, I and Pru aren't on the best of terms and I'm sure she's going to try to be my partner but I don't want that.” He started and she's left sputtering, in shock.

“And so you want me instead?” She asks, shocked.

“Yeah..._you're my best friend._”

She swore those words were the bane of her existence.


End file.
